Saturday, December 17, 2011

Jinger Bears, Jinger Bears...

The holiday season has descended upon us with the fury of one thousand wombats fueled by Red Bull and anxiety once again. Where a family will spend 42 percent of it's earnings on mostly useless, poorly fashioned, designer merchandise, just to tell the recipients, "I think you're awesome enough to eff up my credit for." Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. It's one of the few times a year I get to see my parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, and now nephews and neice, all in one place, at the same time. What people should REALLY be concerned with this time of year. NOT wether they can get 30 bucks off the latest Toshihoshi high def TV, or if they nead to assault a 90 old woman in order to secure the last Foot Fetish Elmo. At the end if the day, do you REALLY think that electronics manufacturer or toy company really care if you have a joyous holiday season? Nope. They couldn't care less if you used that flatscreen as a changing table, just as long as your greenbacks make it into their profit column in their 4th quarter wrap up meeting. My suggestion is this. Instead of buying Mom that fancy smartphone that she probably doesn't know how to use anyway, make her dinner. She'll probably treasure that gift for the rest of her life. Way more than a platic pile of circuits that will be obsolete in a week. Buy your dad a few beers, sit and talk with him for a couple hours. It will be infinitely more memorable than that torque wrench that he'll use twice a year. Sure, buy your kids a few fun things...but make sure they know WHY they are getting them. Not because some fat ass who runs a sweatshop in the arctic thinks they're "nice."  My rule of thumb for gift giving for adults is this- ask yourself, "Would it be a good gift after the zombie apocalypse?"

Plumber racing 7 for the latest next-gen video game system?

Nope. Zed would eat you quicker than your labored breathing ass can say "wi-fi."

Two hours at the shooting range with your dad who you see twice a year?

You've just improved your relationship with pops, while at the same time securing your place in a world that is ruled by the undead.

My next topic is this- who is the pretentious jerk off that decided "Merry Christmas" is inappropriate? If someone wants to wish you good fortune, in whatever fashion it may be, is something that doesn't happen nearly enough. If someone wishes you a "happy birthday" if you were cloned in a lab, would you get all salty with them and tell them to fuck off? No, you'd say thank you, and be happy about it, even if you are an abomination of science and nature that lacks a soul.

So if someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukkah, or Radical Ramadan...and you get offended by it because that doesn't happen to line up with whichever invisible man you pray to, then fuck directly off. You aren't deserving of the kind nature and well wishes a stranger went out of their way to bestow upon you.

With Christmas just one short week away, make sure you take the time to appreciate the people in your life. If you're like me, and Jesus is more of a "Really cool hippie who helped a lot of people with no concern for self" rather than a personal savior...then Christmas really isn't about religion. It's about showing your Family, Friends, and various other characters that bring a little light into your life that you actually care.

Take care Townies, and I'll check back in after this holiday turned zoo is over.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, Christmas and the Zombie Apocalypse in the same post? Amazing!